Today, I learned that I did not move on to the final round of the JET application. The anxiety of searching for my applicant ID number in a list of hundreds flooded over me making my cheeks flush red. “It must be a mistake”, I said out loud. “Maybe that nine is actually a four…”. But it wasn’t…
Today, I was rejected.
I went through several different waves of emotions after learning this. First I felt overwhelmingly sad. Then confused. Then angry. “Did they reject me because I have ADHD?! Of course this would fucking happen”. I could guess and make the excuses left and right but I finally settled on one simple fact.
Apparently, I am meant to do something else.
Nadia and I also went to happy hour today to try and remedy our friendship. She apologized and even though I am truly pissed at her, I’d rather just move the fuck on and keep my friend. She drank her blue moon and stared at the table top as she talked about her mistakes and how her boyfriend, who she cheated on when she kissed Dexter, is weighing whether or not to end their 1.5 year relationship.
I downed my Woodchuck while I listened and found myself saying a insanely odd mix of things that either excused her or were harshly honest. “I know it wasn’t your fault” and “I don’t know what I would have done in that situation either” (wish is a fucking lie-I just never would have done that) combined with “I’ve learned to expect that from him, but I was blindsided by you” poured from my lips in a blur of confusion and Woodchuck in my empty stomach.
I almost think Nadia wanted me to be more mad at her than I am, but I just can’t.
It’s not even worth it anymore, and that’s how I know I’m moving on and moving forward. Accepting things that I cannot change like a cheating boyfriend and being rejected from JET as they are and then letting them go, refusing to allow them to hold me back. Of course, I am also simply confused as fuck. I’m cracking up with my best friend about punching Dexter in the temple but on the inside I’m fighting back tears and rage. Rome wasn’t built in a day, I guess. It’s been one weekend and I’m already doing this well, imagine where I will be in one month.
This leads me to my third commandment: 3) Laugh, always.