We went out tonight and lit the town on fire!
SHOTS! Just kidding, I drove.
But still, me and my hilarious friends Susan, Nadia, Savannah, and Jessica hit up some rando bars in the infamous bar scene that is internationally known here in Hipsterville. I enlisted Savannah, the flirting queen, to teach me a thing or two about how to chat it up with the 20-something aged men.
“What you need to do,” Savannah oozed the details of Flirting Lesson #1 with confidence “is to look up at him and when you start to smile, lick your lips a little. Supposedly, when you look up at him, it reminds him of the look you give him when you give him head”. Laughter erupted from all of us. “But really though,” Nadia chimed in “I read it in Cosmo”. BAM. Instant credibility! “It is like the bible after all” we all mocked Legally Blonde in unison.
Sarcastically, I looked up at Savannah as she instructed and dramatically licked my lips. “It looks like I’m having a fucking seizure”. More laughter. This was going to be fun.
Here is a play-by-play account of what happened.
“Hi, I’m Josh,” the ADORABLE cutie introduced himself around my circle of friends, one at a time. He had just come off of the stage after preforming with his small band and I was still swooning over his sexy voice and hipster glasses. Last in the circle, I reached out my hand and introduced myself.
“Josh,” he said shaking my hand “nice to meet you”. “Hi,” I stuttered. “Hi, I’m Josh”. LAUGHTER exploded all around me. I could feel the red pulsing into my cheeks. WHAT THE FUCK, SARA. I literally have no further commentary on this experience.
“Excuse me, will you please take a picture of my friends and I?” I cooed at a handsome guy and his friend. Even though I cooed, I cringed internally because of my grammatical error. FRIENDS AND ME DAMN IT! It’s ok, maybe he didn’t notice. After the photo, we chatted the usual small talk. Where are you from? I don’t know, it’s complicated I’ve moved a lot. I just need to come up with a fucking interested lie or something. No one actually gives a shit where anyone is from. It’s just the common opener.
The convo went really well and I was solo-flirting with the dude and his friend like a champ. Look up, lip the lip, bite it a little. YEAH. Even with a bun in my hair, I feel hot.
“What brings you two out tonight?” I asked mysteriously.
“We are on our second date!”
At the third bar, I made a solo excursion to the bathroom. On my way back I was stopped by a very frat looking man in a plaid button up, khakis, and a black North Face vest. “Hey, hey!” he began. “Don’t I know you?”. “Nope, you definitely don’t,” I spat back, shocked at my own bitchy-ness. Shit, Sara. Be nicer! We chatted the regular small talk. He was a law student at a rich-kid state school a couple hours away here in Hipsterville with his undergrad buddies. After a few minutes I excused myself to rejoin my friends.
“I,” I spoke loudly and proudly “was busy flirting with a man!”.
“Oh ya?” Savannah chimed in. “Did you get his number?” No… “Did you at least get his name?” Crap. NO…
“Ok, let’s try this again”. Savannah led me up a crowded path to a group of men in suits who apparently had “given me the eye” earlier. A few minutes into this awkward conversation with a gay best-man, father of the groom, and the cute groomsmen I was attempting to flirt, the groomsmen with pulled out his iPhone and began to share pictures of his 8 week old baby.
WHAT THE FUCK.
“So, Sara. You ready to go back and see our friends now?” Savannah outright asked. YUP. And we peaced out.
And that was the fail that was my night! Flirting Lesson #1 wasn’t horrible, but I could use a few more lessons in reading people before I start the actually flirting itself. You know, to avoid the gay men and the dads. #oops.