Diving.

Are you ever in the middle of doing something or saying something and are consciously aware that you should not be doing or saying it? You are fully cognizant that the actions and decisions you are making in that very moment are bad and will not get you anywhere but you just keep. on. doing. it. You could stop if you wanted to, but you don’t care enough to make it happen.

Logically, you tell yourself-This will come back to haunt you. Stop it before it gets too bad. But then you shrug and keep on with your bad decisions just to see how deep you can get before you need to be thrown a life raft.

It’s like staring into space or being in a trance. You are fully aware of it, could break out of it if you really felt like it, but you just ride it out until it ends because, why not? 

I’m not sure why, but I call this state of being diving. Deeper and deeper into whatever shit hole you are digging for yourself, you go.

Right now, I’m diving and I know it.

  • HIM: Let’s catch up and get dinner soon.
  • ME: What’s your agenda, Mark?
  • HIM: I don’t have an agenda. haha. After our conversation last night, you think I would.
  • HIM: But I don’t.

He not only has an agenda, but he also has a reputation and I’m not an idiot. But what the hell, dive in. This’ll be an interesting journey, right? To most people, being fully aware that something is stupid and still doing it anyway is probably considered behavior that falls along a certain spectrum of recklessness. Diving, recklessness, whatever you want to call it, it’s like I’m staring into space and haven’t blinked for a month. My eyes are growing tired but I just can’t. stop. staring. And I’m stuck.

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