A Weird Life

This year, by far, has been the weirdest year in my 22 years of life. And I’ve led a pretty weird life! Weird things, weird experiences, weird as shit stories–all wonderfully weird, but weird nonetheless. For example, here’s a timeline of the weird shit of my life…

  • Birth–was legally adopted by my biological parents because the hospital lost my records. I don’t have a birth certificate, I only have an adoption certificate, making getting drivers licenses and passports the most difficult.
  • Age 4–was “kidnapped” by my nanny each day for a week and then returned safely home at night. My mother discovered this when she went to pay for my half-days at daycare and they said they hadn’t seen me for a week. My nanny never budged on telling her and to this day, my mom has no idea where she took me.
  • Age 4–played with the “sidewalk goop” AKA toxic sludge that seeped through the cement on hot days. Our first home was on a reclaimed landfill. We found that out when men in hazmat suits came one day to test my goop. It was better than Play-Doh. Just saying..
  • Age 5–I threw coconuts off of the King and Queen’s float at the Zulu Parade.
  • Age 6–was denied entry along with my mother and sister at the local Kwanza festival. I cried.
  • Age 7–received a standing ovation at my piano recital for playing upside-down and backwards.
  • Age 8–escaped “kidnappers” in Belgium who pulled me into their van and attempted to drive off by biting a man’s finger practically all the way off and kicking him in the balls. It was disgusting and glorious.
  • Age 9–survived a head butting by a cow.
  • Age 10–was partially tear gassed by the Dutch Riot Police when I was separated from my parents during a riot at the train station.
  • Age 11–went on a field trip to the Red Light District in Amsterdam… NBD.
  • Age 13–received a voicemail on my first-ever cell phone that was a butt-dial documenting the attempted murder of a woman. Arguing, hysterics, and finally four gunshots were all recorded on my pre-paid cell phone. The police used it to locate the woman, who ended up surviving, and later in court. I never got my phone back.
  • Age 16–was legally adopted by a family friend for a semester while my mom lived in Florida, caring for her dying mother-in-law, and my father lived in The Philippines.
  • Age 18–moved to Hipsterville, which is WEIRD! (but badass)
  • Age 21–rapped Nicki Minaj’ “Super Bass” to an audience of puzzled Japanese people.
  • Age 21–was punched in the stomach in a metro station.

I already had a hilarious and outrageous plethora of stories and adventures of weird-as-shit things, but, after this year, I’m pretty sure my crazy life stories should win some type of prize. It’s all a part of the “journey” and it’s all fucking hysterical. I cannot wait to see what’s next…

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