Guest Blogger: Confessions of a Sugar Baby

Hey everyone! Savannah here. I’m guest blogging today because I have a story that’s just too fucking good not to share.

As you may be able to tell from the shenanigans I get into with Sara, I like to be risky. I like to do stupid shit. This one is definitely Top 5.

So I’m on Tinder, doing the Tinder thing when a very old man shows up on the app. I like to entertain the elderly so I swipe right, giving him a match. He starts messaging me and wants to take me on a date to the NICEST, FANCIEST seafood restaurant in town. I’m thinking “fuck this guy must be rich”. I say yes… as the conversation continues it becomes apparent that he wants to be my SUGAR DADDY…..


 I’m sorry…what?

I freeze for a second….and then think “Fuck it. Lets do this.” We decide to meet at the restaurant at 7 PM. Background on him: He used to be a law school professor, and now he is an investor.

 I put on my nice black maxi dress, do my make up and hair just right to impress this rich old man… the whole time thinking…what the hell am I doing…

 Driving to the restaurant I contemplated turning around multiple times, but then the devil on my shoulder was like “Get the fancy meal… this will make for a fantastic story...” and boy, does it ever.

I arrive at the restaurant 10 minutes early, walk in and take a seat at the bar next to a man with white hair, just like my wanna-be sugar daddy. I awkwardly look at him and he just says “Hi”….fuck that’s not him. I order a glass of wine and wait. The older man next to me starts flirting with me….I shut that down real fast. I only have time for one Gatsby tonight. Then Sugar Daddy walks in, sees me, then walks away…

Oh no…I’m not sugar baby material! Wait…here he comes, what’s he holding on his hand? He proceeds to tell me that he cut his hand on his car door before coming in. I ask him to show me….there’s barely a knick. Oh boy…this is going to be good.

We leave the bar for our table and I see the other gentleman who was trying to flirt with me give me the most intriguing look ever…like he could have had a shot. HA. We sit down and IMMEDIATELY people at other tables begin to look at us. I see one guy whisper to his girlfriend and then nod our way…. What’s funny is I actually enjoyed being this scandalous and turning heads. I thought it was the fucking funniest thing that’s ever happened.

So Sugar Daddy got straight to the point. We sat down, he looked at the menu …no looked isn’t even an accurate description…he held the fucking menu at arms length so he could fucking read it. I was waiting for him to pull out his glasses and then he leans over and says “I forgot my glasses at work.” Shit. This is good. He decides what he’s ordering in about 10 seconds and then snaps the waitress over.

I needed to figure out what I want fast. I ordered a crab cocktail and the halibut entrée…totally about 70 dollars total…not including the two glasses of wine I also had. After we ordered, the OWNER OF THE RESTAURANT comes over and introduces himself and hands Sugar Daddy a business card…. Yup you could say my date looked fucking important with a hot redhead on his arm.

After the owner leaves, and all of the shade is thrown from the other tables, he gets straight to the point

  • where you are from
  • what are you studying
  • when do you graduate

blah blah blah. I notice the people around us listening in…realizing that this is a first date. I giggle to myself and then totally own it, answering all of his questions.

Here’s a summary of the funniest things he said from this evening:

  • Obama is a socialist and has a hidden agenda
  • Ann Richard was fucking hilarious though
  • That he growing up he used typewriters…. oye
  • He taught himself how to typewrite because only the girls got to learn that in school…the boys took welding (what century was that?)
  • Facebook is stupid he doesn’t understand why someone cares what he did that day
  • He wouldn’t even know how to send a “Twitter”
  • He hurt his back cleaning his hot tub
  • He was married for one year and then quit because it “wasn’t his thing”
  • That the girl at the table next to us had ugly shoes
  • “Are the people next to us taking selfies?”

My favorite parts of the evening were when he

  • asked if I owned Louboutin shoes (secretly hoping he would offer to buy me some)
  • asked how much Louboutin’s were…when I told him he rolled his eyes

fine. Fuck you. I’ll get them from another old rich guy.

The absolute best part of the evening was when I had to READ THE BILL FOR HIM.

Yes you read that correctly. READ. THE. BILL. FOR. HIM. BECAUSE. HES. OLD.

That was the icing on the cake for me and I had enough. I politely thanked him and hugged him goodbye… Then he got into his shiny new Mercedes coupe and drove off. Good bye my temporary Sugar Daddy.

I’d probably do it again. Hell I probably will…. Here I come Hugh Hefner.

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One thought on “Guest Blogger: Confessions of a Sugar Baby

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