I solemnly swear that I will get back into blogging and reporting on the daily adventures that is my weird, strange, and exciting life as a high school teacher and young adult in Mississippi.
Where to begin? School has been in session for a month. It’s manageable. It’s fun. It’s frustrating.
For one month, I have dreamt about lessons and students and tests. For one month I have been excited to get ready every morning and go to work because I like what I am doing. For a solid month I have not once dreaded or wish that I did not have to drive 15 miles and work for sometimes 13 straight hours in uncomfortable shoes. I love my kids. They crack me up. They make me proud. They piss me off. They completely amazing me with their emotional and academic intelligence.
One day, I threw my dry erase marker clear across the classroom. Clashing against an unfinished bulletin board and plummeting to the board, the marker silenced every voice and focused every eyes on me. “Scream out an answer to me one more time without thinking it through and SEE WHAT HAPPENS!” my voice was calm and probably 20 decibels lower than my usual “teacher voice” but I spoke with urgency and seriousness.
I’m not proud of that moment, but you better believe they haven’t told me that 1,800- 0 is 0 ever since.
I’m aware that I am not a good teacher. I’m a first year freaking teacher. No shit I’m not God’s gift to children. I don’t expect to be. I’m trying my darn hardest and I’m doing the best I can. I think the realist in me is one of the only things keeping me afloat and happy.
All my friends that are on the verge of having a mental breakdown, Pierce who dry heaved in a parking lot before school because he has so much anxiety associated with failing kids, Kenzie, who came into my classroom after school, closed the door and broke down into tears about picking up a note a kid was writing to the guidance counselor asking to be switched out of her class; they all are expecting perfection of themselves and perfection of their children.
The kid wants to switch out because you are actually making kids learn and think! You cannot take things personally.
Good thing I’m an island. Makes teaching not easy but, manageable.